No, Compromise!

Imagine being a self sufficient, independent, ambitious, educated and confident woman. Then, you fall in love with a man that compromises your values and ambitious to build a stronger relationship and/or family.

Is love worth compromising?

In America, the divorce rate has been consistently at 50%; with those high divorce numbers, I wonder did they compromise themselves? Of course, there are several things that should be compromised such as economical, health and anything will benefit you all as couple. However, in a new relationship compromising yourself should not be a discussion. A lasting relationship should be a priority, not just any relationship.

When entering a relationship, make sure that your partner builds you up. Relationships are partnerships and investments, make sure your invest is profitable not only monetary but also for your self growth. Knowing when a relationship is a short sell or a long term investment when investing your time, will help you navigate your dating life better. Build a dating portfolio like you would an investment portfolio, make sure to diversify your dating for a better investment.

 

 

 

 

It’s You, Not Them

Do you find yourself dating the same Assholes?

Do you feel insecure or unsure in your relationship?

Does the communication and actions not add-up?

If you answer yes to all three of these questions, then you are probably your own problem. Every man is not a fuckboy, jerk, or asshole but you may be only attracting those types of men. The only common denominator in all of your relationships is you! Blaming every man for there actions and not reflecting on your own, will never allow you to grow. Once a relationship ends, take time for yourself and do some introspection.

After you reflect on the relationship, your ex, and yourself, make a list. Take a piece of paper and start writing a list of everything you loved about the guy, the relationship and how you were during the relationship. Making a list of positive things will keep you motivated about dating.  Once that list is complete, use this as a check list. The check list is not only for potential partners, this list will also help you check yourself.

Finally, when trying to date a different type of man, make sure you clearly communicate what you want with every guy you date. Do not wait until the 20th date to tell a man your deal breakers. It take time to break bad happens, have patience and be committed to finding true love.

Mr. Nice Guy

Do nice guys finish last? Maybe. A year ago, I was single and living in Washington, DC. My dating life was starting to pickup, going on dates about three times a week with two different guys. One of the guys traveled to frequently for me, so I decided to drop him and the other one was what I considered a “nice guy.” After a few dates, I told my former coworker about the “nice guy.” My coworker looked at me and asked, “what makes him a nice guy?”

According to Webster Dictionary,¬†the word “nice” is define as giving pleasure or joy: good and enjoyable; attractive or of good quality; kind, polite, and friendly. “Nice guy” was definitely “nice” in reference to the definition, but the “nice” over shadowed the guy. My last date with “nice guy” was at a popular restaurant in Georgetown, near the waterfront. Of course, I was running over 20 minutes late for the date and got lost finding the restaurant. I called “nice guy” explaining to him that I was lost and my GPS was not working. He nonchalantly responded that he had just ordered a drink and to call him when I was closes. It was dark, I was wondering around in a residential neighborhood in my work clothes and I had to drive to Richmond, VA to meet my sister later that night. To be honest I was tired but I made an effort to find the place and at least show my face. After finally making my way to the restaurant, the local bus going towards the metro where I parked my car pulled up. Do I hop on the bus? Or, Walk into the restaurant? Needless to say, I never spoke to “nice guy” again.

The question that my coworker asked, “what makes him nice?”, kept popping in my head with every action or effort he made. Other than the general definition, was “nice guy” really that different from the assholes I had previously dated? The “nice guy” would text me every morning and throughout the day, asking about my day but so did the “assholes.” The “nice guy” would take me out and would even let me choose the restaurant, the “asshole” would too. If those gestures where considered “nice”, what makes the “asshole” and “nice” guy different? More importantly, why do “nice guys” finish last?”

From my experience, the difference between the “nice guy” and “asshole” is being genuine. The “asshole” may not be perfect but at least you know what he wants. The “asshole” is the asshole because he is not ready for a monogamist relationship, not at all romantic and a little inconsiderate. Women may be more attracted to the “asshole” because at times they see the “nice guy” in him with nice gestures. The “nice guy” finish last because he is disingenuous. The gestures a “nice guy” does is appreciated but the nice gestures over shadows the lack of personality or common interest.

How can a “nice guy” finish first? If you are currently dating a guy you consider “nice”, try getting him out of his comfort zone. Instead of dinner dates, go to a comedy club, a museum or take him somewhere he wants to go or previously mentioned. The key is getting to know him outside of being the “nice guy.” Remember, that it doesn’t matter if he is the “nice guy” or the “asshole”, you are dating and the most important things are does he treats you “right”, are you compatible and do you both want the same things.

Do you think “nice guys” finish last?

Building Trust

Well, the saying goes, “Men lie, women lie, numbers don’t”, probably the most accurate statement to date. But, knowing that we all lie, how do you still build trust and remain positive about future relationships? To be honest, it is hard to build trusting relationships but it is possible. It will take time, patience and the ability to be vulnerable in order to have meaningful relationships, if you want those types of relationships it will be worth it. There are a few steps you can follow to build trust in any relationship.

Building trust in a relationship is hard because we don’t trust ourselves. I’m a firm believer that your intuition is your internal lie detector test. Allowing yourself to take risk and go with your gut feeling, this will build instinctive confidence. We begin to ignore our intuition because of the choices we may have worked in our favor. Every choice you make may not workout for the best but that does not mean you made the wrong choice. Blaming yourself entirely for a choice that did not work in your favor is similar to taking a test, learn from your mistakes.

Allow people to enough your trust. Take whatever someone tells you with a grain of salt until they can prove it. Continue to keep this frame of mind throughout a romantic relationship, to keep your partner working to gain your trust. The challenge will be consistent once their word is proven with actions. Why should someone prove themselves? Because they should want to leave you with little to zero doubt. Of course, not everything a person does should be questioned, just those that leave you unsure.

Learn the difference between trust and honest. Do you trust your partner? Is your partner honest? Trusting someone can be different from someone being honest. Lending someone your car or telling your most deepest secrets are examples of trust. However, when you asked your partner is always honest. If you both trust your partner and if your partner is honest that can be a win/win. Having an honest partner can still be hurtful because their sensitivity to your feelings may not always be present or reliable. The benefit of having an honest partner would be knowing that they will always tell you the truth even if it may hurt you. A trusting partner is one that is dependable but could lie to protect you. Finding a balance of trust and honest not come easy but it will come with time.

Cut off pathological liars. A pathological liar is a person who tells lies frequently, with no rational motive for doing so (dictionary.com). Identifying these people and eliminate them. Pathological liars can lead you to a destination where you are not hoping to go. These liars will manipulate the relationship to keep you there and potentially unhappy and unfulfilled.

Above all, COMMUNICATE! Knowing what you want may change throughout a relationship but communicating that to your partner is most important. Lack of communication can lead to something you never wanted and can last longer than you intended. Expressing to your partner clearly and regularly will resolute in achieving the results you both would like too see.

Of course, these steps will not guarantee a successful relationship. However, these steps may assist you in getting what you want out of any relationship without wasting too much time deciding if they are the right one. Time is valuable as you date and wasting too much time on someone who you can not openly trust or with someone that is not being honest.