Review: HeyThere Dating App

Tinder, Bumble, Match, and OkCupid are just a few of the many dating apps out there for singles. Dating apps can be a hit or miss. I tried Bumble because two of my former co-workers met their current girlfriends on there. But, I also tried Tinder which was a total fail. The only dating app that worked for me was Soulswipe. I met a few good guys up there, nothing serious.

Can you find a serious relationship on a dating app? Yes, I have met people who are in serious relationships with someone they met through a dating app. It takes someone determined and serious to weed through the crowd to find that person. It’s all about being open and honest.

From experience, dating apps can be a source to meet new people and just have fun. If you’re new to a city or are visiting a new city, dating apps are great tools to find cool or weird people to hang out with. However, because of the convenience and casualness of dating apps, the expectations for anything serious is very low.

When joining a dating app what are you looking for? When I first join a dating app my intention is to find someone serious to date. I use dating apps because I’m more comfortable choosing to talk to someone than a random person approaching me. Usually, when I’m approached by a guy I feel uncomfortable and not interested. When going to the grocery store or out with friends, I am not open to having a conversation. Dating apps allows you the opportunity to talk to someone that may pass you by on the street. Here are some examples of what ends up happening to me on dating apps:

1. We exchange numbers, text off and on for weeks but never meet in person. We eventually stop texting and move on in our lives.
2. Texting last a little longer and we start following each other on social media. But never meet, still friends on Facebook.
3. Plans to meet are made but one of us cancel. We never meet but like and write under each other’s posts on social media.
4. We meet! But, only once maybe a couple of times. Nothing substantial

How can dating apps become a useful tool for those serious about dating?

1. Remove the swipe capability. It’s to fast and easy. The person you just swipe left could be your future partner but you swipe left because of bad lighting and angle.
2. Match people based on common interest and ‘about me’ instead of location. The nearby capability of dating apps make it seem like a booty call.
3. Have an expiration time/date on matches. This will allow people to get more serious about who they have been match with, time is of the essence.
4. After a certain number of matches one person has made, they should be taking out of the pool. Once a person has connected with five people, their profile shouldn’t be visible to others.

 

HeyThere App is a new dating app that allows you to invite your friends to help you pick matches. This is a great idea! Personally, I’m always talking about a guy I’m interested in to my friends. But, not only can they choose new matches for you, they can also read conversations that you and a match are having without your match knowing. Just the other day my sister joined a dating app, I suggested and while I was on the phone with her she was commenting on every guy. If she was on HeyThere, I could see all the potential matches for her without her describing them. I recently got the opportunity to try the app for myself.

The HeyThere layout is similar to all the other apps, one exception the ‘send this profile to a friend’ button. The added bonus allows you to send profiles to a friend you think would be a better match. Adding my profile was simple, I just created a profile with my Facebook profile. Many other dating apps allow this but on HeyThere you can invite friends to join. Maybe, your wingman or wing woman could help you with your online dating.

Inside tip from the creator of HeyThere: A verifying badge will be added in the coming months. The badge will allow those that use the app reassurance that their matches are not “catfish”.

My personal feedback of HeyThere app.
Pro:
1. You can use your friends and family to help you navigate the online dating app. I really like this feature because other people, especially when dating, can always see things you can not.
2. Sending profile matches to friends. Once your friends join, you can send matches that are not right for you to them!
3. Easy to access and create a profile. I did not have to type in my email address or a password.

Cons:
1. Not a lot of matches. HeyThere is a brand new dating. Because it’s new, not a lot of people have join in my area making the match pool small.
2. Visually, HeyThere looks just like all the other apps. When something is similar it will be compared, HeyThere should not want to be compared to Tinder.

 

Overall, I think HeyThere is a great dating app. The creators are thinking outside the box to improve upon the casualness of dating apps. All dating apps are not intended to be hookup flings, some people are searching for serious relationships. The only setback is that the app is so new that there are not many matches to choose from. Once more people join HeyThere will be the go to dating app!

 

 

Have Situationships Replaced Relationships?

You or someone close to you has probably been in a few situationships. Situationship is an unofficial relationship that is more than friends with benefits but less than the love of your life. Basically, someone you have become close with but choose to still hold out for someone better.

After surveying 50 people, I have concluded that this is nothing new and that millennials are more common to find themselves in situationships than any other generational cohort. Those who have been in situationships also mentioned, that was not the relationship they were seeking. So, how do you find yourself in a situationship without knowing?

First, you are probably not sure if you are ready for a relationship. Someone actually seeking to be in a committed and monogamous relationship is clear and open about what they are looking for as they date. I always find myself in situationships because I’m not 100% sure if I’m ready, not only for a relationship but for marriage, kids and everything else that follows.

Second, people who find themselves in unwanted situationships are not choosing the partner that is vocal about what they want. When I would date, the guy would go with the flow. So, whatever direction I chose whether friendship or dating, he went with it. This type of uncertainty would result in them leaving me for someone who was ready for a serious relationship. Most of the guys I’ve dated immediately got into relationships, had a baby or got married after dating me.

Third, lack of communication is always key. I would rarely express my interest in wanting to date exclusively. Personally, I always wanted the guy to establish the relationship by introducing me as his girlfriend or we’re official. Instead, I often got major attitude whenever a guy found out I was dating someone else. That is how I ended up in a situationship.

It is interesting because the feelings are there, the want for something serious is obviously present and the time invested is substantial. The question is why do situationships never lead to a relationship?

A Situationship never leads to a relationship because of those exact reasons I gave in my scenario. Why? Along with happiness comes pain. Unlike a relationship, when someone gets hurt in a situationship it’s more as if a friend has betrayed them rather than a partner. The element of being friends with benefits is the part a of a situationship that deepens those feelings of hurt and betrayal.

You confide in your friends more than you do your “partner” because of the lack of trust, loyalty, and respect you’ve built between the two of you. Friendships start based on common interest, getting along and likability. Dating or relationships are based on common interest, getting along, likability, physical attraction and sexual attraction. When starting off as friends guards are down and there is little to zero expectation.

Remember situationships are more than friends with benefits but definitely has elements of friends with benefits within them. In situationships, the pressure to commit has been removed, meaning that there is very little or no expectation for either partner. However, this leaves hurt feelings as open wounds. With lack of communication, unresolved issues never become resolved, which keeps this style of relationship or situationship stagnant.

The only way to transition a situationship into a committed, monogamous relationship is to get serious about what you want with the person you are in this situationship with.

First, stop dating or pursing other people. Dating other people while in a situationship is a given or at least subconsciously believed, but neither partner ever disrespects the other by talking about it or leaving evidence that they are in fact dating other people. To transition to a relationship letting those other people go gives you more clarity and allows you to focus on the primary relationship.

Secondly, start talking and working towards a future together. Before making that move to a relationship, make sure your partner wants the things you want. Begin working towards any individual or common goals together. This will give you both a chance to reconnect and discover new possibilities with each other.

Third, heal those open wounds. In my case, I had become super insecure. The length of time that we had known one another and had been in our situationship shot my confidence all the way down. Taking time to not only heal the emotional wounds but show the other person that those mistakes won’t be repeated will take time. If you believe that your partner is the one, then it’s worth the time.

Speaking of time; Fourth, once you recognize that the person you are dating has somehow become a situationship, change it quick! The quicker you realize that you are in a situationship, the faster you can save unwanted emotions and hurt feelings. Sticking around for too long may grow the bond between two people or it may lead them left with resentment. Trust, this is probably the most important advice about situationships.

Lastly, communicate, communicate, communicate! I can not empathize this more. Continue to talk to your partner daily about changes or feelings that are developing. Keeping clear and open communication will result in a healthy and happy relationship. If feelings start to change for the worst, make sure you let your partner know how you feel. Remember, a relationship of any type is first and most importantly a partnership. In a partnership there is always an investment and in a relationship there are many things you invest, time, feelings/emotions and money. The more you invest the bigger the risk. Because of this big investment, many people choose to take the safer route to either just stay single and date around or choose a situationship. Unfortunately, there loss may not be as great as it would have been in a committed relationship or marriage but the return is also not as high for these people either. But, just like the option of renting or buying a home, the goal is to get your greatest return from your investments.

Now, how do you avoid a situationship?

First, get serious about what you want. If you are not serious about a committed relationship, you will not find one. Take time to think about your life and what you can handle. Do you have time to commit to someone? Are you willing to make time to date? If the answer is yes, then make that your focus, like saving money and traveling. But don’t be to eager to settle for the first person that shows up and appears to be nice, take your time. Just like it takes time to save for your dream home, it takes just as much time if not more to find a partner best fit for you .

Secondly, try to narrow down your potential partner. I know, that leaves you vulnerable but when you are dating multiple people it doesn’t allow you to connect with anyone on a more intimate level. Also, it makes the people you are dating just as confused as you are.

Third, communicate your wants and needs. Make it known that these are your expectations and if they can’t meet them or don’t want the same things for themselves, you may want to move on. If the person is meeting your expectations reward them, positive reinforcement may make them feel they are special to you. “Expectation” is a demanding word but expecting things in life is why we do mostly everything we do. Example, when you work hard you expect to be paid your worth. Now, your expectations are not always met but at least a bar it set.

Relationships verse situationships. Well, by reading the definitions they are the same but different.

The most noticeable difference is that in a relationship both partners are knowingly only dating one another. I’m not comparing situationships to open relationships or people who cheat in relationships because clearly the people in those relationships, are not interested in a relationship at all. Relationships should not become an obligation or be forced but something that develops and grows naturally. A situationship is two people resisting the vulnerability but fearing the loneliness. A relationship lacking commitment but having every other component is the result of allowing the ego to dictate.

So, to sum it all up. Once you feel you are in a situationship exit quickly. Situationships are not open relationships or broken ones either. To avoid a situationship, narrow down the number of people you are dating to one. Continuously communicate with your partner even if you do not know what you want. Yes, it is possible to turn a situationship in to a healthy relationship but early on in the situationship phase. Remember, communication is the key to any and every relationship.

Receiving relationship advice from a man?

HELL NO! Well, not exclusively. My humble opinion, which you ask for, men not only give misguided advice, they also take zero accountability for the out come!!!

Men, always say “don’t listen to your friends they just want you to be miserable and single like them.” Let’s be clear if you have true friends, they are not only objective and protective of you they should always want the best for you. I’m currently single and I only give objective advice to information that I have been give by my friends, family or anyone asking for advice. Now, if you only provide information while you are venting to your friends about petty shit. Well, of course they are going to tell you to leave that petty guy.

Also, have you read my blog? I give pretty good advice! Compare my blog to any relationship advice man and I give you options. Most men relationships advisors tell you what you should or shouldn’t do, which can be a bit confusing. Men, try to reflect their wants and needs on to other women. It’s better to be objective and personable without being critical and hurtful.

Receiving advice from anyone, even a professional, shouldn’t be your only reference point. In my opinion if you’re single, get several opinions about dating because men may only give you a certain perspective and women will give you another.

But above everyone’s advice and opinions is your own. Be confident in who you are because single or in a relationship you define you.

No, Compromise!

Imagine being a self sufficient, independent, ambitious, educated and confident woman. Then, you fall in love with a man that compromises your values and ambitious to build a stronger relationship and/or family.

Is love worth compromising?

In America, the divorce rate has been consistently at 50%; with those high divorce numbers, I wonder did they compromise themselves? Of course, there are several things that should be compromised such as economical, health and anything will benefit you all as couple. However, in a new relationship compromising yourself should not be a discussion. A lasting relationship should be a priority, not just any relationship.

When entering a relationship, make sure that your partner builds you up. Relationships are partnerships and investments, make sure your invest is profitable not only monetary but also for your self growth. Knowing when a relationship is a short sell or a long term investment when investing your time, will help you navigate your dating life better. Build a dating portfolio like you would an investment portfolio, make sure to diversify your dating for a better investment.

 

 

 

 

It’s You, Not Them

Do you find yourself dating the same Assholes?

Do you feel insecure or unsure in your relationship?

Does the communication and actions not add-up?

If you answer yes to all three of these questions, then you are probably your own problem. Every man is not a fuckboy, jerk, or asshole but you may be only attracting those types of men. The only common denominator in all of your relationships is you! Blaming every man for there actions and not reflecting on your own, will never allow you to grow. Once a relationship ends, take time for yourself and do some introspection.

After you reflect on the relationship, your ex, and yourself, make a list. Take a piece of paper and start writing a list of everything you loved about the guy, the relationship and how you were during the relationship. Making a list of positive things will keep you motivated about dating.  Once that list is complete, use this as a check list. The check list is not only for potential partners, this list will also help you check yourself.

Finally, when trying to date a different type of man, make sure you clearly communicate what you want with every guy you date. Do not wait until the 20th date to tell a man your deal breakers. It take time to break bad happens, have patience and be committed to finding true love.

Mr. Nice Guy

Do nice guys finish last? Maybe. A year ago, I was single and living in Washington, DC. My dating life was starting to pickup, going on dates about three times a week with two different guys. One of the guys traveled to frequently for me, so I decided to drop him and the other one was what I considered a “nice guy.” After a few dates, I told my former coworker about the “nice guy.” My coworker looked at me and asked, “what makes him a nice guy?”

According to Webster Dictionary,¬†the word “nice” is define as giving pleasure or joy: good and enjoyable; attractive or of good quality; kind, polite, and friendly. “Nice guy” was definitely “nice” in reference to the definition, but the “nice” over shadowed the guy. My last date with “nice guy” was at a popular restaurant in Georgetown, near the waterfront. Of course, I was running over 20 minutes late for the date and got lost finding the restaurant. I called “nice guy” explaining to him that I was lost and my GPS was not working. He nonchalantly responded that he had just ordered a drink and to call him when I was closes. It was dark, I was wondering around in a residential neighborhood in my work clothes and I had to drive to Richmond, VA to meet my sister later that night. To be honest I was tired but I made an effort to find the place and at least show my face. After finally making my way to the restaurant, the local bus going towards the metro where I parked my car pulled up. Do I hop on the bus? Or, Walk into the restaurant? Needless to say, I never spoke to “nice guy” again.

The question that my coworker asked, “what makes him nice?”, kept popping in my head with every action or effort he made. Other than the general definition, was “nice guy” really that different from the assholes I had previously dated? The “nice guy” would text me every morning and throughout the day, asking about my day but so did the “assholes.” The “nice guy” would take me out and would even let me choose the restaurant, the “asshole” would too. If those gestures where considered “nice”, what makes the “asshole” and “nice” guy different? More importantly, why do “nice guys” finish last?”

From my experience, the difference between the “nice guy” and “asshole” is being genuine. The “asshole” may not be perfect but at least you know what he wants. The “asshole” is the asshole because he is not ready for a monogamist relationship, not at all romantic and a little inconsiderate. Women may be more attracted to the “asshole” because at times they see the “nice guy” in him with nice gestures. The “nice guy” finish last because he is disingenuous. The gestures a “nice guy” does is appreciated but the nice gestures over shadows the lack of personality or common interest.

How can a “nice guy” finish first? If you are currently dating a guy you consider “nice”, try getting him out of his comfort zone. Instead of dinner dates, go to a comedy club, a museum or take him somewhere he wants to go or previously mentioned. The key is getting to know him outside of being the “nice guy.” Remember, that it doesn’t matter if he is the “nice guy” or the “asshole”, you are dating and the most important things are does he treats you “right”, are you compatible and do you both want the same things.

Do you think “nice guys” finish last?

Building Trust

Well, the saying goes, “Men lie, women lie, numbers don’t”, probably the most accurate statement to date. But, knowing that we all lie, how do you still build trust and remain positive about future relationships? To be honest, it is hard to build trusting relationships but it is possible. It will take time, patience and the ability to be vulnerable in order to have meaningful relationships, if you want those types of relationships it will be worth it. There are a few steps you can follow to build trust in any relationship.

Building trust in a relationship is hard because we don’t trust ourselves. I’m a firm believer that your intuition is your internal lie detector test. Allowing yourself to take risk and go with your gut feeling, this will build instinctive confidence. We begin to ignore our intuition because of the choices we may have worked in our favor. Every choice you make may not workout for the best but that does not mean you made the wrong choice. Blaming yourself entirely for a choice that did not work in your favor is similar to taking a test, learn from your mistakes.

Allow people to enough your trust. Take whatever someone tells you with a grain of salt until they can prove it. Continue to keep this frame of mind throughout a romantic relationship, to keep your partner working to gain your trust. The challenge will be consistent once their word is proven with actions. Why should someone prove themselves? Because they should want to leave you with little to zero doubt. Of course, not everything a person does should be questioned, just those that leave you unsure.

Learn the difference between trust and honest. Do you trust your partner? Is your partner honest? Trusting someone can be different from someone being honest. Lending someone your car or telling your most deepest secrets are examples of trust. However, when you asked your partner is always honest. If you both trust your partner and if your partner is honest that can be a win/win. Having an honest partner can still be hurtful because their sensitivity to your feelings may not always be present or reliable. The benefit of having an honest partner would be knowing that they will always tell you the truth even if it may hurt you. A trusting partner is one that is dependable but could lie to protect you. Finding a balance of trust and honest not come easy but it will come with time.

Cut off pathological liars. A pathological liar is a person who tells lies frequently, with no rational motive for doing so (dictionary.com). Identifying these people and eliminate them. Pathological liars can lead you to a destination where you are not hoping to go. These liars will manipulate the relationship to keep you there and potentially unhappy and unfulfilled.

Above all, COMMUNICATE! Knowing what you want may change throughout a relationship but communicating that to your partner is most important. Lack of communication can lead to something you never wanted and can last longer than you intended. Expressing to your partner clearly and regularly will resolute in achieving the results you both would like too see.

Of course, these steps will not guarantee a successful relationship. However, these steps may assist you in getting what you want out of any relationship without wasting too much time deciding if they are the right one. Time is valuable as you date and wasting too much time on someone who you can not openly trust or with someone that is not being honest.